On being a toddler again

How would have been my days as a toddler?

I called up my mom to ask her how I was as a toddler.

Did I put my left on the floor first? Or was it my right?

My mother couldn't recollect. As she brushed off my stupid question, I shot the second.

Did she ask me to step forward or did I do it myself? I could her the TV volume go high.. My mom said that it was time for her favorite serial and I sat in the hostel thinking what would have happened the day I toddled first. I wanted to call my back and ask her a few more questions. But I didn't.

I asked myself.. Was I bare footed or did I wear something on my then tender feet?

Was my mom a proud mother as the lovely mom who drops the phone in the Johnson's Baby oil advertisement? How old was I when I started toddling?

One of the kids who has been very close to me and I observed was my Anna's naughty little angel... She used to swing only her left arm while she walks and would carefully take a deviation when something was there on her way. Did I swing both my arms or was it only one? Did I walk consciously like her?

Was I scared to walk?

Did I walk alone? Did I hold my dad's hands?

Did I balance my feet? or did I manage on one?

Did I have the support of a walker?

Did I bother if somebody saw me walk unsteadily? Did I cry when I fell down? Did I want somebody to assure that everything was fine?

God would somebody not give me an answer to all these questions.

As I sat immersed in deep thoughts, my mobile starting vibrating and brought me back to my senses.

It was my mother. And she started "it was a scare for me from the moment you started walking. I had to ensure that you were always under my supervision. It was big botheration for I didn't know where you would go. In a jiffy you would vanish and settle inside a tub of water in the bathroom, bring down clothes from the cupboard or the all the vessels from the kitchen. If let to walk in a provisional store, the shopkeeper's day was at your mercy."

It was my mother's mistake to have kept everything within my reach and to have left the bathroom door open for me to sneak in.

And so my mother continued her complains about how I walked to get vegetables in the shopping center at the age of 3 leaving everybody in panic.

It was my mother's mistake to have left me on the floors to walk and carried my elder sister. She said I enjoyed strolling and the little plump I was a little more than what my mother could manage carrying. Wish my mother had a pram to take me out,

And finally why all this contemplation after years since all toddling got over?

It was a day for being a toddler again. There was somebody beside to tell me how to put my foot forward,

how I need to grip the bars to gain balance. The person again asked me to see straight and have my spine straight. It struck my mind, for I was being instructed on how to do something that I've been doing for years.

There I was trying to ignore the fact that there were too many on lookers and was conscious not to make a show of my incapacity I felt.

There with so many instruction felt my feet shiver, and sweat running from my forehead and was unable to walk. Wanted to ask for help.

My feet wouldn't do all it was doing all these years. Why?.. Just wanted somebody to assure, you are okay. No everybody was occupied with their work. and there I walking alone.

Wondering what all this is all about.. That was my first day at the gym on the treadmill.

I doubt If I have...

• A habit of scribbling.
• A mind full of thoughts and no laziness to pen them down.
• A little space to settle down with a system - the right ambience which can make you feel yourself.
• Quiet time for oneself  for introspection.. Finding time would be bliss.
• A well cultivated reading habit.
• A pulse to understand the reader's mind to grip and hold on.
• If not a rich vocabulary, should possess the art to juggle with words.
• A fulfilling life to brag about or a worrisome life to groan... A happening life with combinations of both would make the ultimate combination.
• An obsession for something in life , that could eat away your time.. so you always have something to talk about it.
• Audience - loving,encouraging, discouraging, critic, envious, sarcastic, abusing - Never mind. You still get somebody to read your thoughts.

This is all that I feel is required for to write a blog.

Oh no!!!(Shocked)

I wrote these ten points, and still feel these could make a person write a blog.

And doubt if I have these to make a good blogger out of me. If not good lest an amateur?

I wonder how I managed to make a few posts and a decent visitor count.

Note: Most of my posts were written in office.

Why me again??

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.  - Jim Morrison

In an attempt to express to my deepest fear :-( :-(


To all coloured , non coloured, hairy, slimy, allergic, non allergic, with sting and without little creatures.

I've been contemplating on God's creation off late, true to my conscience I am no philosopher who could make sense of your presence on earth. Recollecting the lessons read in my science text books, I know that you complete the life cycle and you have some role to play. I've always been so kind to you for you lose your lives so easily, get trampled under feet, run over by vehicles , killed by pesticides and are easily carried away to unknown lands by the wind.

But Now I have a very humble request to all your kith and kin, in the recent past your relatives have been so unkind to me and have threatened me to the core. You keep me on my toes during the day, and at night you visit me in my dreams. You people have made me sleepless for the past few days. I walk with so much of caution , still you people cling on to my clothes. You guys played on my  hands and neck and created abnormalities. You put me in embarrassing situations where I scratch awkwardly in front of others.

I don't know, why you people really target me. Even today one of your family members has come along with me to office. I wasn't aware of his presence. He startled me by his swift dancing movement on salwar. Thanking God that he didn't hurt me.

Please do not threaten me like this.Why me? You have better options too.
I tell you the truth, this 5 feet 4 inches who is supposed to  be like Goliath to you is really scared of you.
You are hardly the size of my little finger and you scare me to death.
Please I tell you, there are 50 odd people walking the same pathway and climbing the same staircase.
I do not know why you guys chose me. If you need assistance to choose your next target do let me know.

Will it happen again?

"Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time." said Mr.Paulo Coelho in his book " The Alchemist" where the protagonist of the book is warned of being stolen of wealth he has.

I am unsure if Santiago was scared or was ready to face to all that was bound to happen, but I am I am really really scared. Scared to the core..........

Day 1:

Annoyed and irritated after a phone call with my boss, I called my friend to chill (lament) over coffee. As we walked to coffee shop, our usual gossip time began. We were so engrossed that I ignored a slight itch on my neck. As I sipped coffee, I felt the itch aggravate. I felt something holding on to my skin and there my friend raised an alarm. There it was.. there it was... that horrible little monster - Gypsy Moth Caterpillar - (called kambli poochi in tamil) Scientific name: Lymantria dispar Linnaeus.
There it got stuck to the sensitive skin of my neck and it wouldn't part from me. With my efforts to remove it from my neck, it got stuck to my finger. There i yelled on seeing this little scary creature. I came back to my office scratching my neck and hands. It started swelling and the need to scratch became more intense with every passing minute. Unable to stop the dire need to scratch, I decided to pay a visit to the doctor.

On the way to the hospital , I started to yell again on the sight of another monster on my dress which fell again on my hand. My friend who accompanied me to the hospital got scared and removed it from my hand.

There I was at the hospital reception greeted by a well mannered nurse, who could easily understand what I was going through by my ill mannered scratching and the abnormal bulges on my skin.She guided me to the examination room and there came a lady who resembled like one who acts in a mega serial with a smart phone hung around her neck, dyed rough hair and clumsily tied up saree.

By the time I could observe her, she finished examining me and started writing the prescriptions. The nurse moved me to another room and asked me lie down and handed over a prescription sheet to my friend. Soon the nurse walked in with five syringes and a few bottles of different sizes. The panic and fear of needles began.

My lacrimal glands started functioning and was wetting the sheets of the bed I was lying on.

Finally ended up with 4 different medicines injected into my blood stream. Gradually itching subsided and I feel asleep in the hospital. An hour later , the nurse woke me and checked the rashes and let me go.

I went back to the hostel and continued my sleep as those medicines were sedatives.

Day 2:

My friends didn't turn up for work. After discussion with my manager again, I stepped out of alone planning to have juice. I sat down in the bench in the juice shop watching passers by. I was sipping juice and my friends passing by were playing pranks at me. Everybody knew I was so scared of this monster after this ordeal and it has become a matter of fun for everybody at office. As i put down my cup of juice, there he was in my salwar sleeve.A bigger monster, darker in colour moving around my wrist , i got so uncomfortable and was trying to put it away. The people from the nearby shop ran to my help, and were puzzled as to what happened to me.The lady was caring and was humble enough to remove it from my sleeve.this monster has moved from wrist to arm in my frantic efforts to shoo him away. That lady being the owner of a parlour where nobody ever walked in, brought cleanser and washed my hand and wiped it with a tissue. My skin was turning red and small eruptions were showing up.Eruptions became bulges in less than a minute. 

With eyes welling with tears and face struck with horror, I walked into office to my friends who were playing those pranks at me with a swollen arm. And that was the second ordeal.

I was sent back to hostel from office again. Horrified I sat in my bed , to regain my breath and to make sense out of what had happened. I decided I am not going to the hospital again for I knew very well that the injections are going to make me feel even worse.

I rested for a while, took pills and closed my eyes for sometime. I got up with shivers in my body as a strand of step cut hair fell across my face. I am unable to close my eyes peacefully, I get the sensation of that monster moving on me. I see it wherever I go and whatever I touch feels like that.

All that is going on in my mind is what the wise man Paulo Coelho said. Will it happen again?

The Secret Wish List -by Preethi Shenoy - Review

Having read her three books, I didn't want to miss her fourth one too.

The book is a complete refresher. This book is so well narrated, that you will travel along with the characters in the book. The journey in which you wouldn't want to take a break.I was completely engrossed that i never took a break for 4 hours.

The protagonist portrayed as a bubbly teenager errs once and is punished for a lifetime with unhappy marriage. The story is all about how the protagonist makes a secret wishlist and eventually steps out of her marriage vows to achieve it. After all that was the unwritten point in the wishlist.

The characters in the book are so well portrayed that you rightly empathize. I was able to sketch them and  visualize every scene. Oh no ! My screenplay had some beautiful songs too.!!

The author messed up a little with timing towards the end of the book, as the protagonist gets busier with life. Anyway that was too  minor and goes almost unnoticed and she asks the reader to make a wishlist at the end and challenges that you wouldn't know where it would take you.

The book leaves you with a feel good factor and would definitely make a good story line for the silver screen.

Hoping against Hope

The dusk of the new year eve, there I stood
Scared to resolve,
Confused to plan,
For I believed uncertainties would have its toll.
Mishaps happen,
Bad times come,
But where they meant to stay longer???
But they did stay back.
Wise would say, I let it stay..
I tried fighting... I broke my limbs
I tried running away... I was chased.
Unhappiness, Frustration, negativity has become the language of my mind.
I told myself something would change for the better.
Am I hoping against hope??

Thought Disease

"You suffer a thought disease Sir" said the physician.Yes I do.. Wish I had a solution !!!


Wish I had a delete button to remove all clutter from my thoughts
Wish I had a refresh button to cheer up the bad mood
(Sigh)
Wish I had a ctrl+alt+del to open a task manager window to kill unwanted thoughts

Wish I could click on pause to temporarily stop all thoughts for a while

Oh no ..
Wish I could hit end see my thoughts on the last day of my life
Wish I could hit home and get back to my mother's womb to know what i was thinking
or at least a page down button to peep through the next day's thoughts

Am I asking for more????
Wish I had a restart button, to start life all over again